The Diary of a Closet Romantic

Life has become immeasurably better since I have been forced to stop taking it seriously.” -Hunter S. Thompson


It’s interesting the way that life works sometimes; I’m pretty steadfast in a goal. That’s why I’ve never understood why losing weight for me was so hard. I think it has to do with the quote above the word:seriousness. The problem with my weight loss or non-loss or gain in some instances is that I take it so serious. That it no longer becomes a piece of pleasure or even happiness for my body, but a piece of competition with no allowed amount of failure. Which is great if that is your personality, but it has never really been my personality. Even with my previous educational goals and career goals (let’s not talk relationship goals that’s another post elsewhere) I still have had fun with it; a little serious and pressure involved, but fun. 


So I have a weight loss goal (I also had a size goal, but I’m so behind that I need to make that size goal at another time) for my birthday; my big 25th birthday and that weight lost goal is not to be so big. However since that is not an option, I’d like to lose 10lbs. I want to weigh less than 200lbs which would be the first time since probably 8th grade. (I’m getting emotional here so I’m glad this here and not in person) I’m 8lbs short of my goal, and those 8 lbs are so close that I can taste it, feel it, and I’m becoming super serious about it. I have 5 weeks, I could actually make it to 10 lbs, but I guess what scares me is I could only make it to 5lbs and miss my goal completely. So I’ve felt myself beating myself up, I went to see my friends, and I kept thinking, oh my God I can’t eat any of this stuff, and mentally I was hating myself for eating anything. Several times I said it out loud. Then last night I got off my couch chastising myself for not going to work out because I didn’t feel good. I placed on one of those hot suits (the one that makes you sweat more) and began to do a workout video. First off carpet is no one’s friend when doing a video, second I was so angry, and third I wouldn’t let myself quit because I wasn’t feeling good. The more I got angry, the less I felt motivated, 10 minutes in (I know I made it sound like I was 30 minutes in right?) I gave up. 


That’s when it hit me: I had become one of those people. The people I hate, the ones that beat themselves up because they are hurt. That’s not my motivation style and I should know I teach motivation styles! Here I was preaching about loving myself, and I was having this melt down because I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror anymore, but in a different way. I wasn’t telling myself I was fat or ugly actually body positivity has gone well for me this past week or two I’ve kind of gone this as good as its going to get today. (Baby steps here people I wish I had the confidence to say I’m fabulous and get over it… one day soon) I just feel like I’m slacking and that is why I can’t look in the mirror because I feel like I’m failing somehow. I have become to make this more about competition and pain rather than the actual satisfaction, love, happiness, and enjoyment I get out of food, working out, and my body. 


I love and hate bad weeks to be honest. I hate them because I feel lousy, gross, and hateful, but I love them because I self reflect so much, and I’m learning to change my mentality. So I’m letting go of the seriousness and putting in more happiness. In my workout and in my progress. That is my goal for the rest of the month. If I make my goal then that will be freaking fantastic and out of this world, but I’m going to enjoy getting there, feel good about getting there, and love myself the whole way there. If I can’t be satisfied with the journey I’ll never get to the destination. 


“It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path, and to proceed.” 


So good luck out there, keep your chin up, and above all love yourself even when its hard.